Tuesday, March 05, 2002 :::
God I hate virgins...I've had 4 in my life...very unsatisfyling, as is all sex, but you can't even get off on the fact that they got off. Starting off at the beginning of my life would be impossible. I was a very unhappy child, strict parents, a need to rebel. I'm a fucking genius which I hate, maybe thats why I drink so much and have tried so many drugs. To fuck it up, to have the exuse not to go to university and become something when I really know that all I want in life is a sugar daddy to take care of me so I can be smart in my own ways and not have to work. I never liked sex, not really. To me its become a way to manipulate, a way to hurt people. Its gotten me a new car, lots of jewlery, clothes. I should be on Jenny Jones, fuck. Just one guy, he loves me like he shouldn't. He loves who he thinks I am, not who I really am. How little of a clue he has is honestly funny. If only he knew who I am and what I've done, he only loves me because he thinks I am who I've told him I am, and he refuses to see the truth.
How many people could say no to the material things he offers me? I am definitely not strong enough.
Only tara, knows how many people I've slept with, 37....4 virgins and alot of drunken nights. 3 I can't remember the names of, and one which I wrote "chris" on my list in my diary, and cannot for the fucking life of me remember who he is. That scares me because it was recently, and I see chris wrote there, but for fuck's sake I don't know who that is. I don't hate myself for what I have done, I don't really care, and I'm going to continue doing what I do until I want to change, because its really up to me and until someone can love me for who I am, then FUCK all men. Don't get me wrong, I don't do this to hurt other people, or because I hate myself. I do it because its fun, and I like it. I love going to a bar, meeting a hot guy, having him all over me, and going home with him. Making him work for an hour thinking that I might or might not have sex with him, then finally, breathlessly giving into him. Then in the morning knowing I don't really give a fuck if he ever calls me as he pretends he wants my number to call me again. Its all a game, until I meet someone who can speak to me as a person, see into my soul., and in him I see someone I want to be with and love.
I have to admit to you tho before I end this....I'm 5'8, I have long blonde hair, blue eyes, and perfect perky 34c boobs. I'm the girl you smirk at as she walks by and mutter 'slut'. The girl guys look at and think damn! and use a cheesy pickup line on. Its not because of how I dress, but because of my own awareness of my sexuality. I walk like I'm the shit, and people believe it, guys look and girls get mad. Guys pick up on that, and they notice. I'm the same girl I was when I was 12, without the innocence. I still read harry potter, and tell my parents I love them, I love to cook. You use the word slut to de-humanize, but thats all I am. Someone searching for love, the same way everyone else is, I just wish that I could live in a world where your morals, personality and inteligenge don't get judged by the fact that I'm tall and blonde and sexal, because it's simply not the case.
::: posted by janine at 4:09 AM